What To Do When Your Ex Just Wants To Be Friends
"...but we can still be friends."
Nothing stings more than hearing those six little words. Your boyfriend is now your exboyfriend, and your relationship - at least your romantic one - is over. Or is it?
When your boyfriend demotes your romance from a full-blown relationship to a friendship, it's the same thing as a breakup. In many ways, it's actually worse. While you might think being friends with your ex boyfriend will allow you to stay close, keep in touch, and eventually work your way back into his heart again, all of those things couldn't be less true.
Establishing a friendship with someone you're still in love with leads to jealousy, anxiety, and tons of self-inflicted heartache. As you try vainly to recapture something romantic with your ex, the fact that you're not friends with him will hinder every move you make.
If you're not completely over your ex, you cannot be his buddy. Your chances of winning him back are much greater when you refuse such a role. Pretending to be friends with someone you love and then having to act happy about isn't the way to get back an ex boyfriend.
Being Friends With Your Ex Boyfriend - The Fantasy
After a relationship ends unexpectedly, many people are desperate to maintain some type of contact with the person who broke up with them. The thought of never seeing or hearing from your boyfriend again is scary, which is why you might want to hang onto the idea of keeping in touch. So when a guy offers to be friends with you, it's not uncommon to want to accept such an arrangement, even temporarily.
Because we're emotionally dependant upon the people we love, we don't want to let go. As your ex boyfriend ends things, it's only natural to want to cling onto him rather than have him torn away. Instead of letting go all at once, you might think being friends with your ex will allow you to let go of him gradually, which will hurt less. You'll also convince yourself that staying together as buddies will enable you to talk, email, text-message, and still hang out with your boyfriend even though you're not officially dating.
And since you want him back, you'll tell yourself that staying friends is a great way of staying in his mind and heart. You'll always be there for him, and since you never really go away he never gets used to not having you around. Eventually, you think, he'll come back to you... it just seems like the logical course of events.
Friendship With Your Ex Boyfriend - The Reality
Unfortunately, creating a friendship with your ex boyfriend doesn't work that way. The whole time you'll be thinking of ways to get your boyfriend back, you'll actually feel him slipping away. This is when you'll start working frantically to get closer to him, as you fear the two of you are growing further apart. As each day passes, he'll see you as more and more of a friend.
Several things will happen during the brief friendship you may or may not have with your ex. First, your mind never really accepted the break up. By staying friends and trying to keep things as they were, you're almost in a kind of break up denial. You're delaying the pain you'd feel by accepting the end of your relationship, and not only that, that pain is going to hurt a lot more when you finally do realize that things between you have ended.
But by far the worst effect of staying friends with an exboyfriend: watching him move on with his life. As he starts seeing other girls and dating again, you're in the unfortunate position of having to smile and pretend to be happy for him. Every single time you see him with someone else it'll feel like a knife twisting in your gut... yet you won't be able to talk to him about it, because at this point you've accepted the role of being his friend. And when your ex has a new girlfriend, you're going to be left out in the cold... friendship or not.
Yet even if your ex does begin dating someone else, there are techniques you can use to steal your boyfriend back from another girl. If this has already happened to you, reading up on these techniques will show you what to do in this scenario.
Other Reasons Why You And Your Ex Can't Be Friends
You need to understand something else too: your exboyfriend won't want you back until he misses and needs you again. To create this type of environment, you need to withdraw from his life for a while. As his friend, you can't do that. By keeping you around in a friendship role, he gets to call or write you whenever he feels like it. And as a friend, you're required to respond.
In becoming friends with your ex, you're providing him with almost everything he had in your past relationship. He gets to talk to you, see you, and bounce things off of you whenever he feels like it. He can email, text-message, and call you when he's bored. Your ex even gets to hang out with you, pick you up, rent a movie... any and all kinds of friend-type activities make it very comfy for him to continue "seeing" you without dating you. And if you happen to still be fulfilling his more physical needs as well? He's gets to have his cake and eat it too. Your ex gets all the benefits of a full-blown girlfriend, but without having to stay loyal or answer to you.
Considering all of the above, is there any reason for him to get back together with you? Are you going to sit around hoping that your exboyfriend takes you back, when he already has everything that he wants? Staying friends with an ex boyfriend when you want him back is always a sucker move. In effect, you're providing him with absolutely no incentive to get back together with you. You're actually doing the exact opposite of what you should be doing in order to get him back.
Outside Factors Working Against Ex Boyfriend Friendship
On top of all of these other reasons not to stay friends with an exboyfriend after the break up, you also need to consider the fact that outside forces will always be working against you. Even if the two of you miraculously managed to pull off a jealousy-free friendship, it'll be over the very minute one or both of you starts dating again.
Think about it. Are you going to tell your new boyfriend that you talk to, see, and hang out with some guy you used to date? How do you think he'll feel about that? And now consider what happens if your exboyfriend were to meet a new girl. Would he tell her about you? Let her know that the two of you are still platonic buddies? Or will he hide that information from her, knowing that the second she finds out you once dated him she's going to keep him far, far away from you?
Unfortunately, nothing can hold together a post-breakup friendship. As idealistic as it sounds, there are too many things working against you. It's always best to avoid any type of friendship with your ex, especially if your plan is to one day date him again.
Friends With Benefits - Your Ex Wants To Sleep With You
When it comes to keeping your ex around after the break up, some activities are less innocent than others. In the unfortunate position of being desperate to get them back, some girls will resort to sleeping with their ex boyfriends in an attempt to recapture the romance and closeness of the relationship again.
Having sex with an ex boyfriend isn't the end of the world, but if you're doing it in the false hopes that it will win him back you're in for a pretty rude awakening. Any type of friends with benefits scenario seems to imply that both parties are giving and taking equal things from the arrangement. Mixing friendship with sex almost always creates jealousy, as one person will be wanting just a little bit more of a commitment from the other person. If that person is you, you're going to end up getting hurt - especially if your ex is saying things he thinks you want to hear just to get you to jump in bed with him.
Be careful whenever you consider sleeping with an ex. You can't go into it thinking you can use sex as a weapon or tool to get your boyfriend back. And if he's manipulating you into having sex with him, that type of situation will hurt you even more in the long run.
What To Do When Your Ex Boyfriend Wants To Be Friends
Okay, now onto the good news. If your exboyfriend is asking to stay friends with you, there's a good chance he's not 100% ready to end your relationship just yet. But keeping you hanging around, he can not only keep an eye on you, but also take you back should he decide to change his mind. This is selfish, and you shouldn't allow it.
Giving him the chance to play the field while you sit on the bench is not an option. For this reason, you need to refuse your ex's offer of friendship and walk away. Telling your ex that you can't be friends with him is actually the fastest way of getting your boyfriend back. Making your ex worried that you're ready to move on is the biggest incentive for him to come chasing after you again.
So when your boyfriend mentions that you can "still be friends", be sure to tell him something along the lines of:
"Sorry but I can't do it. I love you as a girlfriend... I can't be your friend and pretend like I don't have feelings for you. If you don't want to date me, it's better if we both move on".
Such a situation works because you're agreeing with his decision to end things and walking away... one of the first steps in the process of getting your ex back. In no uncertain terms you're letting him know that if he doesn't want to date you, he sure as hell doesn't still get to hang out and talk with you. Either you're good enough to go out with or the two of you part ways - letting your boyfriend know that you won't accept some lame secondary role as his friend is one of the fastest ways of getting him back in your arms again. If there's any love still in his heart for you, he's going to be extremely quick to reconcile.
Best Relationship Resource For Dealing With "Friendship"
When you want your boyfriend back, becoming friends with him is never the right move. Making a clean break is the only solution when it comes to winning back your ex. The path of friendship never leads to reconciliation - it's always a dead end. Know that from the beginning, so you can avoid falling into it.
Of course, it may already be too late... and you may already be friends with an ex boyfriend that you love. If you are, there are still some pretty solid methods for working your way back into a relationship with him. There are techniques that will get your ex to see you in a romantic light again, if you're willing to follow them. Learn about them below, from the master of relationship repair himself, T.W. Jackson:
The Magic of Making Up by T.W. Jackson
A step-by-step blueprint for getting back together with your ex girlfriend. Learn what to do, when to do it, and how to start!
Still trying to get your ex's attention? Check out How to Make Your Ex Miss You
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